WHEN SOMEONE YOU LOVE HAS A MENTAL ILLNESS

It's challenging to live with a mental illness and it can feel challenging to love someone with a mental illness. When symptoms are present or someone is in crisis, their mental illness can take front and center for both of you. 

It is normal to have an increase in stress and a decrease in capacity when someone you live with is struggling with mental illness or in crisis. There can be big impacts on a relationship and on a partner, like picking up extra responsibilities while they struggle; dealing with very real consequences of their behaviors;  decrease in intimacy and positive connection; feelings of powerlessness and guilt; or  just feeling the emotional and physical impact of worrying about someone you love.

But by framing the mental illness as the problem instead of the person with the mental illness as a problem, you can come together and support each other through it. This isn’t you against each other – it’s you working as a team to get to the other side. 

Here are some things you can do as a partner or loved one to support someone with a mental illness:

BE THERE IMPERFECTLY SO THEY CAN BE THERE IMPERFECTLY

Don’t let a fear of not knowing what to do keep you from doing anything. You don’t need to “say the right thing”. You don’t need to fix anyone (and no one needs to be fixed). And you can’t take anyone's pain away no matter how hard you try. It is powerful just to be there. It’s powerful to remind them that they are not alone. Be a safe person where they can be themselves. Listen without judgment. Validate their feelings. Let them know that they are still loveable and enough even during these challenging times.

BECOME AN EXPERT IN THEIR DIAGNOSIS…

Show you care. Don’t make them educate you. Listen to podcasts. Read books. Find resources from the perspective of someone with the same condition.  Become an expert in their diagnosis. If appropriate– learn about their treatment including medications (side effects, when there is an adjustment to medications). 

BUT REMEMBER THEY ARE THE EXPERT OF THEIR OWN LIFE

Not everyone is a textbook. More important than what the literature says is what the lived experience is of the individual. Be curious and open to them as a whole person– just like you would anyone in a relationship.   Their mental illness is just one part of them. And how it shows up will be unique. The best way to learn is by asking– especially during periods where symptoms are well managed. Curiosity> judgement/expectations/stereotypes.

Some things to be curious about include: coping skills, early signs and symptoms, how they like to be supported; what stresses or overwhelms them; how they don’t like to be supported; what ruminating thoughts they struggle with and how to reassure them.

Depending on their mental health journey and their level of self awareness, they may still be learning these things themselves.   And all humans are dynamic, changing beings. Even as you become an expert, keep the attitude of curiosity and trust them when they tell you what they need.

BRANCH OUT:

You both need supports that are not each other. You cannot be a therapist for them. And you need people to talk to about your own experience. Maybe that's friends or maybe that's a professional. Each of you need friends and activities outside of the relationship.

CHECK IN

When symptoms are strong, people are more likely to isolate, push away and feel like a burden. Don't take the bait. Continue to reach out. Continue to check in. Let them know that they matter and that you care. Follow up. Initiate plans. Be around them. Demonstrate that you care for them when they are struggling as much as when they are feeling good.

PROGRESS OVER PERFECTION

Mental illness recovery can look different for everyone. There’s no perfect timetable for moving through a crisis or mental health episode and the process is often  nonlinear.  Many mental illnesses have symptoms that are present all the time, others come in somewhat predictable waves and others can be intense episodes.  This is probably not something you fix and move past, but rather something you learn how to live with just as your partner is learning to live with it.  Focus on progress, not perfection. Celebrate small successes. Highlight joy when it happens

.

ACCEPT LIMITATIONS: YOURS & THEIRS

You can't do it all. And during a mental health crisis, your partner might not be able to do much at all. Whatever your limitations are in this moment: accept them. If you need boundaries, space, time or rest- take it. Know when you need to focus on yourself and when your capacity is limited. Offer compassion and understanding to both yourself and your partner with the fundamental assumption that if either of you had the power to make this go away, you would.

Be realistic and accepting of the limits of your partner. It's likely that they already feel bad enough for not being able to show up the way they -- and you-- are used to. Pick up the slack where you have capacity and be mindful of what you are adding to their plate. Can you give them- or yourself- permission to let go of an expectation or task?

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF:

In order to help anyone else, you have to take care of yourself first. Make sure you are eating and sleeping. Ask for support. Offer yourself compassion and the space to feel WHATEVER feelings are showing up. Set boundaries. Prioritize your own safety and emotional well-being.  You are doing something powerful by supporting someone you love, but you are still a human with your own needs.

You and your partner are both imperfect humans who need love and patience and the space to be imperfect. And when you have the support from one another, you can handle whatever life throws your way. Together.